My 3-point advice to President Bush

Even President Bush knows that he is, well, not to put too fine a point on it, screwed. He has got everyone blaming him and hating him for the Iraq war, but no one seems to have a solution for him. The Republicans have absolutely no idea. They guess that more troops will do the trick, even if it leads to more deaths. The Dems have a brilliantly clear officially stated position: "staying the course is not the solution". But, of course, they don't have a clue about what is the solution. The rest of the world wants Bush to continue doing what he has been doing so that he can make a bigger fool of himself and they can all laugh at him and at America. Besides, no one really cares about Iraq. It seems only Bush and I care about a democratic, secular, economically vibrant Iraq where men can get drunk if they want to and women can wear skirts if they want to. In fact, I suspect that I am thinking ahead of Bush on this because I want the same for Saudi Arabia and Pakistan as well, and I am not sure he will agree with me on the getting drunk part. First, he should go on a Haj. That's right, he should go on a Haj. This has four slam dunk implications for him. One, he will convince the Islamic world that he is not a Christian terrorist as many believe him to be. Two, he will give them a moral victory that he can afford to give, without withdrawing the troops. Three, he will electrify the American media with a new topic of discussion that will push the deaths from the front pages. And four, it will start rumors that he has converted to Islam which will completely confuse the jehadis. Second, he should start building 500 malls in Iraq with immediate effect. At first glance, this may look nothing more than a classic divide-and-conquer strategy; the jehadis will have to divide themselves because they will have so many more targets and they will be easier to conquer. But my advice runs deeper than that. With 500 malls being built, there is a rational for the presence of American troops. They will be there to protect the construction. It'll create jobs for the locals and it can be made to pay more than killing Americans, which is the only other job option in Iraq now. And finally, there is that benumbing and bewitching energy field that malls, once completed, have on human beings of all color, race and religion that somehow mysteriously diverts them from terrorism. And now the third point of my three point advice. Rename Iraq. It doesn't cost much but can have a galvanizing diversionary impact. In one stroke Bush can change the terms of the debate from "should we pull out or not" to "is naming Iraq as Babylon a good idea?" He may think I am joking, but these are the only concrete solutions actually in front of him.