Employees have been faking sickies ever since there were difficult jobs to be done and other people to do them for them. For example thousands of years go, the early alpha man as he sharpened his crude stone spear with his teeth, he hollered out to his mates to go hunt a giant mammoth (with really sharp tusks) for breakfast. To this the early beta male quietly grunted back ‘you guys go ahead, I think I am coming down with something’.

Here are some easy to follow rules for throwing a sickie:

Keep it simple

We learn from television that there are a number of diseases that are complicated, rare and very very deadly. Doctors spend years researching and learning about them and the five minute you spent on Google reading through the symptoms are no substitute. So use illnesses you’re intimately familiar with. If you have a history of asthma, then nothing like it. Everybody in your office must have spotted you using your inhaler. Use that as an excuse. Otherwise, when your relatives or friends fall ill, make it a point to visit them. Not only will they be touched by your concern, you will get an opportunity to study the symptoms and copy them like a pro.

Sound Sick while faking it

While faking an illness, try and sound as ill as possible. A handy tip is not to speak or drink anything before making the call. If you smoke, light a cigarette and take a few puffs as you dial the number. The gratey, wheezy cough you will greet your boss with, will be worth a thousand lies. Also make the call from a quiet place. The following are not recommended in this category: Rock concerts, railway stations, discos and pubs.

Never undersell your illness

Underselling your illness is the same as falling back on your promises. A common mistake employees make is to call in sick when they have an interview or miss a train only to arrive an hour later, miraculously cured. A good rule of thumb is that illnesses should last at least two days, injuries at least one – though don’t forget to limp for two days afterwards.

Doctor’s certificate to the rescue

This raises the final point that separates the armatures from the professionals. Assembling foolproof evidence helps you stay in character and deflects those unpleasantly inquisitive questions. The services of your friendly family doctor (the one that still gives you a lemon drop to suck on) can always be extracted in situations such as these.

Ultimately, it’s not hard to throw an occasional sickie in the short term. It’s harder to throw them convincingly over a period of months and years. So strategise accordingly: carefully cycle your ailments, recruit your friends and colleagues as alibis to support your arguments. And keep watching ‘Scrub’ and other hospital sitcoms for fodder to feed your future sickies.