1. A flat in a Hindu/Muslim/Jain/vegetarian society if you are a Muslim/Hindu/non-Jain/non-vegetarian. Poor rich boy Emraan Hashmi has found that a hundred kisses in reel life cannot earn you a single neighbourly kiss in real life.

2. Security. Despite his son-of-the-soil chauvinism, Bal Thackeray and his cubs need 24x7 police protection to safeguard them in tyanchi Mumbai.

3. Rain cover. The Big B's superstar status can't guarantee against flooding of his bungalow when the rain gods decide to have a jalsa.

4. Love and respect of your fellow citizens. Ask the Ambani brothers. Despite their riches, the squabbling siblings are a poor lot when it comes to doing something for the city in which their father built his (and his sons') fortune.

5. The fourth seat in a first class compartment in a local train. You may have hernia, you may have weak knees, you may be a big shot in your firm or you may be your community's Mr Moneybags, but when it comes to trying to park your bottom on a 1st class fourth seat during rush hour, you are Mr Nobody, a third class commuter.

6. A smooth ride through traffic. You may own the costliest set of wheels this side of the Arabian Sea, the most skilled chauffeur that money can buy in the metrop, but you still get hot under the collar and swear…in airconditioned comfort…when stuck in a traffic jam and neither BEST nor Auto nor Cabbie With An Attitude (is there any other kind?) nor Maruti give your fancy car an inch.

7. A view without the slums. When you are lost in your dream world, just look out of your penthouse/terrace flat/high-rise balcony. You will be brought down to reality in less time than you can remember your floor number.

8. A tip that will see you ride your luck on the stock market or the race course. Many are the bitter betters who chased a flutter and caught a nightmare. Deep pockets, deeper holes.

9. A bai who never complains, always works. Baiwatch is Mumbai's longest-running home production and the day you announce you have found the perfect bai will be the day she'll announce she's got a better job with a better boss.

10. The spirit of Mumbai. Chalta hai, jaane de boss, chal khichak. Arre yeh kya hua? If you don't have the attitude, you can never get it at your altitude. Chod na yaar, ye journalist log khali-pili time waste karta hain. Apna rasta pakad, humko apna kaam karne de!