Slum dog Millionaire is NOT for Indians in India. It is a movie made for international award shows, critics awards and NRIs (who are forever starved for anything remotely Indian, while chewing on a hot dog in a cold corner of the world). Shots of Taj Mahal, references to America galore, people.

Slumdog M, put simply, is a rags to riches story of a slum kid (Jamal, played by Dev Patel) who braves a tough life (yeah, riots, homelessness, near-death escapes, etc etc) only to win loadsa green on ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’

WHAT’S RICH ABOUT SM

I’ll tell you what I like, for that’s shorter: Most people are suckers for underdog stories (me included), which is a big plus in SM’s favour.

Most of all, I love the way each question asked to the kid has a connection with some event that occured in his past, and it is because of this happenstance alone that he knows the answer to each toughie. I adore Dev Patel, accent and all. Danny Boyle has found a fine actor in him, and he essays his role as the underdog to perfection. AR Rahman’s music is fairly okay. ‘Jai Ho’ is an awesome number. Cute love story too. The movie yo-yos from past to present to pasttopresentto…but thik hai, forgivable.

In one childhood memory, Jamal is shown jumping through a toilet, drenched in shit, just to take passerby Amitabh Bachchan’s autograph. Gross you say? A lesson, I say. You gotta go through shit to achieve something. Loved the message. No shit.

SLAM

1. The first thing I will SO slam about the fillum is the light in which India has been portrayed. A shot has con artist Jamal pretending to be a tour guide, showing ‘real India’ (read: dhobi ghat) to an American couple. Meanwhile, his pals strip the couple’s car parts and flee. A cope nearby accuses Jamal of being part of the controversy, and thrashes him left & right, to which the couple comes to his rescue. “This is real India!” exclaims Jamal, indicating at the theft …(a country of crooks or what??), while the American woman, a picture of sympathy, throws a couple of green bucks onto the boy…”I’ll show you real America!” Yeah, can imagine Uncle Sam & his aunties clapping at that one. My blood was boyling, Mr. Boyle.

You can’t show one half of a picture and call it the whole. India is Taj Mahal, slums, poverty & crooks on the one hand (the part that global citizens identify with) & India is tall buildings, malls, Internet and LCDs on the other. & India is a WHOLE load of stuff in between. Did I hear a little birdie say that I’m an urban Indian, the minority talking? Well guess wot…India is this AND that, not this or that. This is the basic formula that only people who truly understand India can crack. Nah, not you, Boyle.

2. Shot in a gloomy, documentary style, the film offers no relief whatsoever to the viewer, right till the end. Showing how kids are turned blind by their ringmasters just so they fetch more as beggars, is something Indians already know. Tell us something we don’t. But oops…I forget, this SM ain’t for us …nah.

3. I just loooove the way everyone recognises everyone after years have passed and everyone has grown up. In one sequence, Jamal and his brother are separated in childhood, and our guy on growin up into a bumbling 18 year old, traces his number. He just has to say Hello into the phone and pretend to be a call center pest, to have his brother interrupt him and screech, “Jamal!” Aawaaz hai ki jaadoo!! Kumbh ka mela material.

4. The film is, well, slow. Reeaaalllyyyy (hoooaaaa……yawnnnn…..mmhmm…) slow. Almost like a documentary at times.

5. Anil Kapoor admits to have been raised in a slum himself. So it’s kinda unbelievable that he wants a kid like him to lose the show & tries to shove the wrong answer down the kid’s throat!!!! Jealousy, thy name is Anil Kapoor. New age definition.

6. Didn’t know a show like ‘Who Wants …’ or KBC or wotever u wanna call it, is aired live on TV. Wowie.

7. Bas bas, bohat ho gaya.

Er,

I didn’t.