Memory

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:

"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

A Trip Down Memory Lame - Absent Minded Observations

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was

great."

"Sounds terrific! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that

flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Thirty days hath September

And all the rest I can't remember

====

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night

the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She

yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She

starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to

her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get

that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells,

"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Doctor, I can't remember anything! I forgot what happened yesterday. I

forgot what my car looks like. I can't even remember my own name.

When did this happen?

When did what happen?

Husband to wife, "The doctor gave me some pills yesterday to improve my

memory."

"So ?" exclaimed the wife.

"So I forgot to take them" replied the husband.

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so

they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with

them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the

doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were

physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making

notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and

left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair

and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so

you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write

that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you

will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down,

I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a

plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling

her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and

while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think

it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still

call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her

name about ten years ago."

Everyone has a photographic memory. It's just that some don't have any

film and others never developed.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in

advance.

Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.

Man: "My wife has the worst memory ever."

Friend: "She forgets everything, huh?"

Man: "No, she remembers everything!"

I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's

married!"

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to

temple. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of

faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

He found the man in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come

after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi,"

he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day.

But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is

very busy and must've forgotten about me. And I don't want to remind

Him."

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think

is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She replied: "No peer pressure."

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in

poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are

apparently doing quite well for themselves."

- Jerry Garcia (1942-1995)

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

- Steven Wright

"A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience."

- Doug Larson.

"No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar."

- Abraham Lincoln

"Nothing is so responsible for the good old days as a bad memory."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt.

"Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory."

- John Kenneth Galbraith

"A retentive memory is a good thing, but the ability to forget is the

true token of greatness."

- E. Hubbard

"Happiness lies in good health and a bad memory."

- Ingrid Bergman

"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality

that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we

have told it to the same person?"

- Francois de La Rouchefoucald

St Peter is dozing at the Gates to Heaven when he sees an old man

hobbling towards him.

"What's your name, my good man?" goes the Saint.

"I don't remember, I've lost my memory.. I can't remember anything at

all"

"Right then," says Peter, " Ill try and help you: these questions may

jog your memory:

Did you have a job?"

"Yes, yes, I did"

"Did you work with your hands or your head?

"Hands"

"Did you work with iron, glass, wood....?"

"WOOD! Yes, I think I was a carpenter."

"Did you have a family?"

"I think I had a son but I had some problems with him at some stage"

"Right," thinks St Peter, "an old man, a carpenter and a problem son. I

know who he is."

He goes over to Jesus and says: "Listen, Lord, I think your Dad has

arrived."

Jesus comes to the Gate of Heaven, overwhelmed to see the old man and

shouts, "Dad".

A retired pharmacist was having trouble with his memory. He couldn't remember anything and his wife was having trouble with her memory, too.

The pharmacist read in the paper one evening about a memory doctor who could help restore memory. He called his wife over and told her to read the ad. She thought it sounded pretty good and said, "I think we ought to see that doctor."

He said, "I think we should, too." So, they went to see the memory doctor.

After seeing the doctor for about 6 weeks, the pharmacist and his wife went down to the senior citizen centre and ran into one of their old friends.

The friend said, "I understand you're going to the memory doctor."

The pharmacist said, "Yes, that's right; we're both going."

His friend asked, "Is he any good?"

"Is he any good?" said the pharmacist, "He's the best doctor we've ever been to, he's really good!"

His friend said, "You know, I'm having trouble with my memory, too. I think I ought to see that doctor. What's the doctor's name?"

The pharmacist hesitated, "What's the doctor's name...what's the doctor's name?" He said, "Look, there's a flower with a real long stem, the stem has little green leaves and there are thorns sticking out of the stem. At the top of the stem is a big bulb flower that comes in all different colours. What do you call that?"

His friend said, "Why, that's a rose."

The pharmacist said, "Yeah, that's right, rose." He turned to his wife and said, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that doctor we've been going to?"

The old man holds out his arms: "Pinocchio!