The impatience to get to the blog. The discomfort in being involved in anything that keeps me away from it, and the desire to be with loved ones again, bends my body forward to request my hosts to relieve me, so I can be in the alienated quiet of my room and environs. Be with the familiar face page, rue the expressions with the tiger in the background, quickly scroll down to the number of responses written, to judge the mood of the FmXt, to be in their territory and domain and finally then to push fingers.

Its peaceful now. Alone and with myself and the silence of solitude.

The event for Dainik Jagran - its annual conference - has just ended at the picturesque location in exquisite Langkawi, a resort some 45 mins away from KL, as Kuala Lumpur is often referred to in international speech, by aerial route. ‘Aerial’ ? … yes .. the influence of the T20 IPL Cricket and its commentators is and has affected the writing. Every time a sixer is pounded by the bat of a stalwart of the batting team, the most revered description of the moment is .. ” and Dhoni has had enough of it, he has decided it is time to take the aerial route !”. So aerial !

The Jagran Publication, many may not know, is the largest read publication in the world. At the after event dinner on the main table of the Chairman, the Chief Executive of the organization asked me a pertinent question. What does he need to do to increase the awareness of his publication in the rest of India. The importance, he felt, was more with the English medium, despite their numbers not matching.

I am unable to give a suitable response. But my very weak attempt at a possibility, went on to say that, once say, the film fraternity begins to believe that their paper is a major force or weapon of influence, in the commerce of their products, all attention shall converge to them. He makes an important point. When the films are made in Hindi, why so much reliance on English. Should it not logically then be the form, that the language of the medium should be the language of importance. But it does not happen that way. Why ?

I believe it is partly the legacy of our colonial past and partly the universal importance and acceptability of the language. English is the most widely spoken and understood language of the world and because of its this strong feature, to not be acquainted with it, has introduced a kind of social barrier. Suddenly, un knowingly not being conversant with the language has manifested itself into being and belonging to an inferior class. The attempts then in India, with its vast and very complicated culture, language and ethics, regionalized into hundreds of different parts, all bearing their immense importance within the conclave of their existence, to perpetuate a particular language, even if it has been given the stature of a national language, is repulsed and objected to when it is imposed with any kind of deliberation or force. And rightly so. Each region has a wealth of history in its presence and its culture, depicted through the strength of its own, very worthy speech. Imposition of any kind in usurping its importance threatens its very existence. No region would want to accept that, and doesn’t. So the next best solution to a much discussed and debated issue has been the acceptance of an alien structure, but one that no one else has any objection to. Yes there are areas of discontent even in this, but perhaps not as acute as they are for the other or others.

The event is pieced together with utmost care and efficiency. Uniformity in form, makes an impressive and perhaps deliberate presence. We are all asked to adhere to a particular dress code. The green collared T-shirt, packed and deposited in our respective rooms, black pants, black belt. I am an exception, sadly, in this exercise. My body does not do justice to the apparel I have been given and I forego it for a formal suit. I now stand out as a misfit among a sea of green collar shirts. This is almost in defiance as it were, to the much honored and revered ‘white collar’ distinction, often the measure of corporate dignity and grace. I think of this in this manner now as I write. Of course it does not, by any means, challenge the call of the management. No .. this is me just trying to be smart !

At the evening, there are some elegant and meaningful deliberations from people all over the globe of repute and eminence. They all give their own appreciation of the topic of ‘Determination’. They all accept the presence and largeness of the institution that hosts us today and they all lament the absence of the many others due to attend, but have been unable to, due to the volcanic disruptions, that through its eruptions, has caused most of Europe and the adjoining parts to be disconnected with the rest of the world - flights having been declared as hazardous to operate due to the dust that has now occupied the skies.

My own deliberation shall find suitable space later. My own shyness and diffidence preventing me from exposing it to general readership. But when I do overcome it, I shall be the happiest when it goes down to all of you. In better times or climes of course. So for now, its a reference only.

I speak …

“I look further: determination comes from determining. To determine, its meaning… one must return to its source…”

“To de·ter·mine.

To decide or settle, in a dispute, for example, conclusively and authoritatively.

To end or decide, as by judicial action.

To establish or ascertain definitely, as after consideration, investigation, or calculation.

To cause to come to a conclusion or resolution; to reach decision; resolve.

To be the cause of; regulate.

To limit in scope or extent.

To put an end to; terminate.

To come to an end.

The Latin root of the word: ‘de –‘ from; ‘terminus’, meaning boundary.

Determination is to determine with the persistence of will.

What is the course of one’s will that leads to such persistence?

Determination, it is when a process comes to a finish and closes down. Why would one want to start first with determination when it is the last in a process?

An end to an intellectual and moral narrative?

The process itself prior to determination is the matter of interest and value.

One must believe in something prior to determination, be convinced of a course.”

The flight in was reasonably smooth. Over the Bay of Bengal and over the islands that bore the cursed pseudonym, ‘kala pani’ - black waters, during the time of the Raj when ‘unwanted criminals’ - another pseudonym for the more genuine freedom fighters, the weather has traditionally been rough. The dark clouds’ permanence over the region reflecting darkly over the sea and thus giving it its dreaded name, remained with me throughout my window. In the dark of a moonless night, the sparks of lightening all around as the Captain weaved and bobbed his 777-200, give the insomniac a fearful visual. But as dawn breaks through the skies on approaching land, and as you are exposed to greater visibility, you delight at the wonder of the green beneath, the bunched up colony of lights of the cities and then eventually, the mountains and mountains of palm cultivation, the oil of which the staple export of the region below, as you touch down in KLI - KL International.

Immigration dismisses your passport and visa in record speed as the officer graciously welcomes you with ” Wonderful to have you here. Big fan Mr Bachchan ! “. And then as you move towards the train transfer, a mobbing from locals, to visitors from India and yes even the security behind the x-ray machine develops a desire to commemorate the occasion with a keepsake. The Jagran family and all its delegates now converge from all parts of India and suddenly an entire Boeing 737 to Langkawi, looks like a privately chartered aircraft - we are all entirely the only occupants.

The Hotel is exquisite. It is by the sea and soulfully constructed. In the distance as you look out, various islands stand out and then it suddenly all becomes dark and gloomy. Lightening strikes that we may have encountered in the air a few minutes ago, now play in all their fury, above us. Sprinkling rain wets the surroundings and brings in a cool breeze. The dinner after, has been shifted for inside. And it was there that I had started today’s conversation.

The circle is complete and so is my moment for posterity !!

Love to all … and all ..

Amitabh Bachchan