A loud cry from a host of Russian tourists that emerge from the lift in the Hotel as I stumble in on my way up to my room after the day’s work. As the elevator doors shut I get a quick glimpse of some of the crowd that strayed away to get a closer look. They seemed happy and surprised ; perhaps not as much as I am.

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, a Hotel lobby, Russian tourists and an Indian actor.

The strength of Indian Cinema !!

It pleases me. Not on an individual level. But on one that embraces my fraternity and my Industry.

It pleases me to see the fond expression of the Hotel staff as soon as the incident takes place. Their additional smile is a joyful acceptance of our worth. A worth that comes to us through our profession. My profession, an actor in the Indian Film Industry.

Almost instantly we get elevated in stature and presence. We become an admired lot, one on whom eyes and attention gets prominence from those that would perhaps have walked past us or at most nodded a customary greeting out of sheer social politeness.

I often wonder what such attention does to the minds of those that become victims of it. Does it inflate them into thinking they are superior than the others and therefore need qualified service. Do they believe that the quality of their work has through its recognition, impressed the onlooker to an extent that is justifying his or her behavior now. Does the measurement of their cranium or their ego increase in size. Or does it lull them into a complacency that signifies, somewhat optimistically, that this had better come their way because they earned and deserved it ?

I shall tell you what it does to me. It embarrasses me and encapsulates me in self-consciousness. I, immediately on its occurrence, start estimating myself. What was the last good deed that I was involved in. Is there a recent performance that I can perhaps give reference to. Is my hair in place and the clothes adequately designed for the occasion. Did I acknowledge all that acknowledged me or did I miss them. If I did miss some should I now turn around and comply. Would they understand why I did so, or would they look upon it as a deliberate attention seeking device, reeking of simulated arrogance. Do I do the autographs or whiz by, citing pressing time constraints. Should I stop to oblige for the personal photograph or gently wave at the numerous mobile phone photo hands that come up involuntarily at every public appearance. Must I put recognition smile on face to that familiarity seeking slap on the back from acquaintance that gives vivid reference to a casual meet some 20 years ago when I was rushing to catch a flight, or do I plainly tell him I do not remember or worse do not know who he is instigating thereby his ire for the rest of my existence. How well does my co passenger on a flight understand when I shut my eyes on take off that I had programmed the moment to catch up on lost slumber. Not to forget of course the more recent ones that fling their seat belt resentment in your face !! Ha !

The mind continuously ponders. But should it ? I wonder if it does the same for the others; my colleagues and those in similar state. I know and am aware that there is a dichotomy. We struggle and crave attention and when it comes we distance ourselves from it. Build barriers of security, walls of privacy and ostrich like head in the mud envelope ourselves inside dark glasses. We are such funny people !!

Which is why I embarrass and self-conscious. Some of my friends though revel in this. I watch them with great envy on how well they conduct themselves in public areas. Is it an art or a particular skill that I need to learn or is it something that cannot be acquired. Au naturel !! As they would happily say.

So… yes.. I question myself today. I question my deserve. Many feel the modesty is an act. Modesty never failed anyone, except perhaps those that had nothing to be modest about in the first place. Deliberate modesty endures. Practice it they say. Would do wonders to the image. But really, what image ? The quality of my work would be the image ; the one that would endure, surely. May the work speak, speak a languid luxurious speech, softly but effectively. May those that give ear to it be sublime in its tenor. Let them deliberate assess analyze. Let me be free. Free of the knowledge of such deliberation. Free of its consequences. Allow me to hide and ride away from it. Yes I did it for notice. Notice it, not me.. Just spare me.. put me away.. allow me to walk or drive past.. I shall keep coming to you I assure you.. but for now .. can I just go ..

This is not a rational mind. The ifs and buts and the pros and cons are all muddled. They pray for deliverance. . And it cometh not their way…

And as I am chauffeur driven to my shooting destination at 5 in the morning, police pilot escort on motorcycle ahead, blinking blue lights, holding up traffic so we can drive pass without holding and then when I finish for the day the same pilot, siren blaring into the evening rush hour, bravely and without any remorse riding open aired through heavy rain bringing me without interruption to the gates of my Hotel, I cower and wonder in embarrassment. What really have I done to deserve this ? I walk up to the pilot to express concern over his drenched condition and the wet uniform. He smiles, salutes, wishes me well and rides off..

One day it shall all stop. And we shall ride off too.. into oblivion…

But till it does, we persevere and make effort and endeavor ..

My love

Amitabh Bachchan