I have decided that it is payback time. A time to show my care and concern for those that have in these past two days shown immense affection. The task is difficult and time consuming, but I have decided and I shall do it.

I would want to address all that have come on the blog on DAY 483 and 484 and perhaps those that be there when 485 is over and up, with the much publicized and envied ‘yellow line’.

I do feel a sense of guilt to be receiving so much and not be able to give it back. Somewhere my ethics do not permit me to just gloat over the fact that it will remain a one sided affair. And so that is how I wish to address it.

You gave without expectation or return or compensation. You gave out of free will; from a oneness that manifested itself in varied forms and expressions. You never asked for any return. I think that such action must register in deed, as being of a level which cannot be either ignored or compared. You must feel a great sense of reward in giving. Giving always does. To give without expectation is in my eyes the ultimate act of selflessness. In a selfish world such character comes as a surprise to most. We look mostly to get, never to give. The harsh reality of the world may have compelled us onto such thought. In a materialistic world what else can we expect. But we did not suddenly become this. The world remained the same, we changed. If we had the capacity and the gall to convert an innocent utopian world into its present clime, we certainly must possess the intent to change it back. We may not ever borrow or lend, but when, if we did lend, we were to do so without the expectation of it coming back, we would have brought change.

For this act of mine I may have to start early, perhaps tonight itself. I would want therefore some co operation from EF in this regard. Knowing that I shall have to be online for long hours it would help if there were to be no responses to my responses immediately, or else I would never know where the cut off point would be. This I need to emphasize for the operation to succeed. And succeed it must.

Its been another day of contemplation and thought. Of determining what and where I need to go, if at all I need to go. When you are young, decisions come quickly and without fear. Somewhere the thought lurks behind you, that there is a lifetime to make corrections if things were to go wrong. When you are at an age which is closer to the end of the line than before, the perspective changes. The brash bravado of youth gets replaced by sombre reason and thought. For those that encounter this it may seem level headed maturity. For others it may seem a proximity to a state of dementia.

I wrote about my Father wishing to put his first born into an educational institution which to him seemed the best he could do for his progeny. At 4 years of age we were still at 1946, a year away from 1947 and Independence. No one knew when it would come, our Independence. But India under British rule still valued the educational system set up by the colonial powers, just as it did so many other - administration, parliament, codes of conduct for the armed forces, for the police and so forth. The nationalist spirit with which most Indians then were inspired by, were prone to a defiance of prevailing systems and hence anything foreign was meant to be discouraged. My Father, was advised by many during his educational pursuits, to have been most qualified for joining up with the prestigious and most looked up to Indian Civil Service, the ICS. But his allegiance to his country and its fight against foreign powers was his prime motive, even at the cost of losing a most glorious opportunity of a positioning that would not only have kept him materially in a most coveted strata, but socially too would have moved him to the higher echelons of society. After Independence the ICS became IAS and IFS - Indian Administrative Service and the Indian Foreign Service, still hugely pursued competitive services within mid-India. Those that came out as qualified candidates ran the bureaucracy and many believe the country as well. I still believe they are the most qualified and most competent body of individuals, that through a strict and arduous selection and training process, have been placed in the most important and sensitive positions in governance. A governance that requires an unbelievable amount of skill and dedication to run a country as diversified as ours.

But I deviate.

So my Father desisted enrolling himself into a schooling system that smelt colonialism. Instead he sought his education in the Municipal School. His education fee was 1 paisa per month. For me he spent Rs 15 a month ! He may have desired for his son to study in the same set up as his. But he had acknowledged the benefits of the educational norms introduced by foreign standards. Their scientific and modern approach still resonates in our social standing as has been seen by large percentages of Indians seeking higher levels in overseas institutions.

My Father changed with time to accept some and desist some, but change he did and propagated that in his desire, and one that every generation of his family should pursue.

I am not sure if I have been successful in bringing any change, or breaking any shackles, but nothing ever finishes until it is finished. My thinking, my demeanor, my deeds, my standard of work in my profession of work, may all have to stand the test on the day of redemption and I can just pray and hope I may qualify. But if not, then here I am, ready to start all over again to accomplish that.

I sometimes used to joke with my Father on this topic and convince him that I may not have been anywhere near his ideals of change as he may have perceived it, but in one respect we did.

He broke convention when he from a lower middle class Uttar Pradesh humble family married an affluent Sikh. I a product of that union married a Bengali. My brother married a Sindhi. My daughter has married a Punjabi and my son a Bunt South Indian.

Dad ! We have broken convention as you desired ! Ha !

But somewhere I know that that is not what your words truly desired of us. Yes, conventions were broken and broken with your consent and in your presence and your blessing. But I sense there lurks a deeper meaning. And we shall all strive to achieve that.

My love,

Amitabh Bachchan