This is a good one to read - has been FWD to me over email and sharing you all. Quite big but worth to read!!

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You may find yourself feeling miserable because of the way you see yourself in the world. You may say to yourself, "Why does this always happen to me, you think, or why does life have to be so unfair? or why is it so hard?" You react this way when you secretly imagine yourself as being at the center of the universe. This isn't conceit or arrogance, but it can be called "narcissism". It's what happens when you're the point of reference for everything that happens all around you. We are all a bit narcissistic. A little of that is natural; you look out at the world through your own eyes and hear through your very own set of ears. But when you act like everything happens because of you, you're headed for trouble.

This makes we think of a client, named Frank. Frank was an employee at a mid-sized corporation. Lately, the company has been doing too good and Frank's boss, Mark had been directing more and more of his complaints and insults specifically at Frank. Frank was having a difficult time not taking this personally and came to Counselor office to discuss his options.

Counselor: "Why do you take's Mark's criticism personally?"

Frank: "How do you not take it personally when someone says, 'you're a stupid, lazy, liar who is not pulling his weight '?"

Counselor: "What does it mean when you take something personally?"

Frank: "It means I feel insulted, offended and hurt."

Counselor: "What is that feeling called when you hurt and offended?"

Frank: "I feel worthless."

Counselor: "You are telling me that you just let Mark's childish nonsense from the fourth grade rob you of your self-respect."

Frank: "Well it was personal he was looking right at me. How else should I react?"

Counselor: "That's the trick. They don't teach you how to cope with this stuff in school, do they?"

Frank: "My teacher always told me to ignore it."

Counselor: "How is that working for you?"

Frank: "Terrible."

Counselor: "It's one thing to ignore a dumb remark. It's quite another to ignore the loss of your worth as a person."

Frank: "But its not fair, I do a good job."

Counselor: "Does arguing with Mark's insults make things better?"

Frank: "No. I lost my cool and now my job is sending me here or I'll be fired."

Counselor: "Then Mark was successful in dragging you down to his immature, inappropriate level. You cannot solve problems that way. People who do not respect themselves very much use these school yard tactics because that is where they learned to solve problems. They haven't refined their techniques much in the interim. Instead you can choose to take away their power that robs you of your self-respect."

Frank: "How?"

Counselor: "It helps if you know what self-respect means. It is the feeling that you are unconditionally a worthwhile human being in spite of your faults and imperfections."

Frank: "Even if other people think I'm a jerk?"

Counselor: "You are not less lovable because of your behavior. You are worthwhile in spite of it. You will never be inferior nor will you be superior, you will always be good enough. Your mistake is to take his kid stuff personally which you can stop doing at any time you choose. You can also choose to identify his insults as absurd nonsense and not take them seriously. If he called you a purple elephant would you change colors and grow a trunk? If I say the world is flat and the grass is pink does it make it so? In a way, he is demonstrating that his arguments are bankrupt and he is regressing to this absurd, pre-teen level of debate because he is out of ammo. Once he has faked you out of your self-respect, you are at a disadvantage. You are in pain. You try to relieve the pain of your lost self-respect by tearing him down."

Frank: "That's kid stuff, too."

Counselor: "One of you has to grow up. It's better when you can see these people coming. But now you know what he is up to. When Mark starts antagonizing you, you can shift your gears. You can detach and disengage emotionally from his provocation. You can choose not to take their absurd false accusations seriously, as if they made sense. His accusations are false, they don't make sense, so don't take it personally as if it is an ultimate evaluation of your worth as a person."

Frank: "I can always walk away."

Counselor: "Yes, that is called disengaging with your feet."

Frank: "What if he says, 'Frank you're such a dumb ass'."

Counselor: "You are not required to prove how smart you are to him. How did her get to be the final judge over you? He is also a human and has his own standards and preferences for how things ought to be. You don't have to be perfectly smart. You are smart enough as you are. You are worthwhile in spite of you mistakes. You can say 'There's a lot of that going around, I don't know how you stand it'. or 'I never thought of it that way'

Frank: "What if he says something that's true - like I really did forget to check with Supply before ordering that part?"

Counselor: "It only proves that you are an imperfect human being. It's not a reflection on you. Self respecting people learn from their mistakes. You can say, 'It's awful when that happens, isn't it?"

Frank: "What if it's my fault?"

Counselor: "You are not guilty of a crime. It's not a crime to make a mistake. It's not a matter of assigning guilt, fault and blame. It is a matter of human imperfection. The issue is how can you fix it."

Frank: "Shouldn't I try to prevent it from happening again?"

Counselor: "There is no way to prevent imperfect human beings from being imperfect. You take reasonable precautions, but beyond a certain point, your good intention to 'control' becomes counter-productive. Everyone is afraid to make a move for fear of being criticized. So nothing gets done. Everyone becomes discouraged. That is the worst mistake of all, and it was all done by management with the 'best of intentions.'

Frank: "I've done a lot of favors for Mark. He doesn't appreciate all the breaks I've given him."

Counselor: "Do you take that personally, too?"

Frank: "Sure I do."

Counselor: "So you are angry at him for his lack of consideration. It is unfair when he doesn't reciprocate your consideration on his behalf. Who else are you angry at?"

Frank: "At myself, for being such a chump."

Counselor: "Mark's ingratitude is causing you to feel 'good for nothing,' which means 'worthless.' You have just lost your self respect again!"

Frank: "How can I stop it?"

Counselor: "By no longer defining your self worth in terms of 'getting approval or being appreciated for what you do.' You are a worthwhile human being in spite of your faults and imperfections, whether Mark appreciates you or not. You don't do it to prove anything. You get to be the judge of how smart is smart enough. You don't need a gold star for someone else. It is nice to get others' approval, but it is not a requirement. He does not get to make a final evaluation of you. Your performance varies for hour to hour day to day and you make the best decision you can with the information available to the time. You are not helpful just to get others' approval, you do it because of you value generosity and your judgment told you that it is good to help out. Its regrettable that you are not being appreciated, but you get to be the judge of how good is good enough, not him. You didn't do anything wrong."

Frank: "No. I didn't."

Counselor: "As a worthwhile human being in your own right, you are not dependent on Mark for the validation of your worth as a person. You have the power now to validate your own efforts, your own judgment, your own worth as a human being."

Frank: "What if he says something bad about the company?"

Counselor: "Mark knows all of your soft spots, doesn't he? He knows that you are a loyal employee and that he can provoke and antagonize your anger by bad mouthing the company. You do not take that personally either. You can remind yourself that his words are smoke and mirrors for his own pain. You remind yourself that he has his own opinions and preferences based on his own unique experiences and expectations. They're not right or wrong, just a matter of his own personal taste. You remind yourself that you get to define yourself, based on your own judgment and you can validate your efforts even if the outcomes are not perfect. If you want to do what Mark doesn't expect, you can agree with him! You can say, 'I don't know how you stand it!'

Frank: "It still makes me angry."

Counselor: "Then you can choose to tell him the truth like a grown up, you can say 'It makes me angry when you say that'."

Frank: "What if he says, 'I don't care'."

Counselor: "That makes you even angrier. You can say, "You just made it worse. I'm angrier now than I was before'.

Frank: "What if he says, 'I'm angry at you!'"

Counselor: "You can validate his anger, which is a legitimate human emotion. You can say, 'I don't blame you for being angry. I get angry too when this don't go my way. I'm sorry your angry, but I'm still angry too."

Frank: "Why should I say, 'I'm sorry?' I didn't do anything."

Counselor: "You are not expressing 'guilt.' You are expressing regret that he is angry, but that is his problem. Guilt implies you take ownership over a problem. Regret is the wish that things were other than they are. You can regret his painful anger without taking ownership over it."

Frank: "What if he says, 'It's your fault, you were wrong?'"

Counselor: "And you hate to be in the wrong. But, once again, it's not a matter of right and wrong. This is a carryover from childhood when things were either right or wrong. Now, as an adult, you can live in the middle ground between these two extremes. You can choose not to argue about right or wrong!. You can choose to validate yourself as good enough based on the information you had at the time."

Frank: "But I wasn't wrong, I was right!"

Counselor: "But you really do not know what is best. 'Right' and 'wrong' are absolutes. You have enough trouble figuring out what is best for yourself, how can you know what best for anyone else Your human imperfections make people angry sometimes, you may trigger their memories and they may mismanage their emotions. It is regrettable when they do and you can express appropriate regret. Here you are modeling validation, acknowledging their emotion without condoning it. This behavior is an example for them to see and follow; if they choose.."

Frank: "Mark really does know how to push my buttons, doesn't he?"

Counselor: "He uses your vulnerabilities against you. The more you recognize your own efforts, the less you will rely on others for validation. By acknowledging your success, you come to respect yourself as a worthwhile human being and with time you develop think skin and are the less vulnerable to his provocations."

Frank: "Why does he do it?"

Counselor: "Because he doesn't respect himself as much as he needs to. He is trying to relieve the pain of his own self-doubt by building himself up at your expense."

Frank: "That doesn't work."

Counselor: "That's why he has to keep doing it. If it worked, he could stop."

Frank: "How can I get him to stop?"

Counselor: "By disengaging and emotionally detaching. Your reaction reinforces his antagonism. You can chose to respect yourself in spite of his unnecessary nonsense. When he sees that his provocation is running off of you like water off a duck, he will leave you alone."

Frank: "What will he do?"

Counselor: "He might go and find himself another pushover, or he might find himself following your example of self respect whether he is aware of it or not." He might even begin cooperating with you as two equal members of the human race doing what reality requires them to do."

Well now friends you have any thoughts to discussed????? - Please throw some light on it.