A public conversation is what we actually articulate, while a private conversation is what we really wished to articulate. How many times, have we had a difficult conversation and come out of it feeling that we should have said this and not that, we should have emoted this and not that. When I have a difficult conversation, which often have, it takes me hours and days to get over it. I just can't stop thinking how it could have been different.

While we really do not have too much choice in how the conversation goes, we can stop the after effects of the post-mortem thinking and may be a consistent practice of such post-mortems will help us to make our difficult conversations easier.

The left hand column post-mortem (developed by Chris Argyris and Donald Schon) is one such tool that I use in my own 'difficult conversations' as well as in 'Relationship Coaching'. What is a left hand column and how is it written? Take a sheet of paper or as many as you wish. Draw a line so that the sheet is split into half. Think of the most immediate difficult conversation you have had in the recent past - could be as early as today. Document the conversation, possibly in a dialogue form on the right hand side as truthfully and as verbatim as possible. Now think of what actually went through you while the conversation was on. What you wanted to say, but did not say? How you wanted to say and how you ended up saying it - your entire inner commentary as this conversation was taking place? Record all this on the left hand side of the sheet, in a dialogue form.

Normally, our conversations follow our mental model - the prototypes and heuristics that we have created about ourselves and others. By Buddhist traditions we have three sources of seeds in our consciousness - those that are collective and come from generations both within ourselves and from the external world, those that we are born with and those that we experience while we are here. Our unsuccessful conversations are a bundle of our automatic routine. This routine keeps us in a vicious defensive cycle of righteousness, judgmentality, resentment, anger, confrontation, suffering and all the other 'kleshas'. The defensive routine often gets established, especially with people we interact frequently with, to remain in an uncomfortable position, that is nonetheless familiar and stable. We invite suffering to remain stable as unfamiliarity is a potential threat we are not courageous enough to face up to.

What we call 'stuck' is often due to our automatic defensive system. We become a slave to our belief systems created through the three tools of- sense (objective) perception, Ego (subjective) perception and the object of perception itself. Through regular use of this system of what we see is what we see because how we see, we create a closed system of stereotype roles. Once these stereotypes get established, we find very little reason to act outside our roles.

Considering that we are all addicted to 'pleasure principles' why do we do what we do? Here are some gains we might get from staying stuck:

• Predictability - we are control as we can predict the outcome

• Rationality - Show ourselves to be rational by not allowing difficult thoughts and feelings to surface.

• Sensible - Look and act sensible to others, while telling others to be sensible.

• Steadfastness - consistence in behaviour with oneself and others.

• Responsibility - Avoiding responsibility for one's role in the undesirable outcome.

As a result of these we lose our authentic selves and tend to live other’s expectation of us. We lose touch with our own souls and become alienated from our higher selves.

We can examine our undiscussables, unspoken assumptions, judgments, needs, fears through the Left Hand column exercise by getting deeper into the conversation through analyses. How can we create an opportunity to learn from the analyses?:

Simple steps for learning:

1. Learning Opportunity. Recall a difficult conversation around a problem.

2. Context Setting. Write all you remember about the conversation - the problem, the outcome, the expectations, the participants, the context, the dominant feelings around the time.

3. Public Conversation. In the right-hand column, write the actual conversation in dialogue as it happened - a transcript.

4. Private Conversation. In the left-hand column write the thoughts and feelings that you had during the conversation, but kept to yourself.

5. Outcomes and Reflections. Write your impressions about the outcomes of the conversation and

Next, analyze the conversation on the following lines:

• What went wrong during the conversation?
• What happened to the issue?
• What was the effect of the conversation on you?

• What was the effect of the conversation on the relationship?
• What was the reason why did not articulate your left-hand column?
• What would have happened if you did articulate the left-hand column?
• What is the actual result of non-articulation - what is happening now?

In a separate sheet of paper write what you think is likely to be the other person's left-hand column.

A deeper analyses will provide three kinds of insights of what the left hand column includes:

1. Judgments, attributions, stereotypes, assumptions and inferences.

2. Negative emotions of fear, anger, shame, guilt, resentment, anxiety.

3. Positive emotions of love, sympathy, care, compassion that we often refuse to acknowledge.

This material is now like a toxic- waste. We have no choice except to deal with them. So how, do we deal with these insights from a private conversation (left hand column).

1. As we call them toxic-waste, we may dump them similarly, on the other person. Like real dumping this will pollute the environment, in this case, the environment of your relationship and undermine the same. While some may say that this catharsis is good, some likely consequences of dumping may be escalating the conflict (if you say what you wish to, the other can do the same); damaging or even destroying relationships irretrievably or with wide cracks; regret and guilt; withdrawal, invalidation and termination of the relationship.

2. You can bury the waste, inside yourself, hoping that it will go away. This could be short term resolution, but gnaws deep inside your self and is likely to cause more harm than good in the long term. There is overwhelming evidence of mental and physical illness including cancer when this happens. By not saying what you wanted to say, you will never be able to resolve the problem. By postponing, you may need more time to sort out the issues later as they get more complicated with the passage of time. Sometimes, it leads to taking out the frustration on innocent others leading to spoiling other relationships as well.

So what do you do? You really cannot hide and ignore your left hand column. Also, if you happen to know the other's left hand column so well, the other also has a fair idea of your left hand column (remember both are being coached). Though we may feel that we are suave and well trained to hide our feelings, please check out with your friends and family today. You will be surprised to find how much more they know about your hidden private self, than your well exposed and advertised public self.

"If our private and our blind selves are so apparent to others, why do we try to hide them? So we can maintain a socially acceptable veneer of politeness. So we can keep our collusive defensive routines intact. So we can delay reckoning with our true thoughts and feelings. To keep the play going, we remain silent, and pretend we are not; then we make our silence undiscussable; then we make the undiscussability of the whole situation undiscussable as well." Fred Kofman

What are we to do? Think outside of the box. I quote this parable from the Bible. Jesus was asked by the Jury (they were testing him) as to how to deal with the adulteress - it being the general way of life then to stone her. He really had two choices, either to let her go - he is acting against the social ethos and the public will damn him. He can join the way of life and stone the adulteress - he is not a saviour. Jesus them came out with the answer which saved him and his creed - let anyone, who has never committed a sin, be the one to make the first strike. Similarly, we also have a smarter choice other than to dump or to keep. Acknowledge it, process it, transform it into an energy to provide fuel for nourishing our relationship.

To do that, we need a deep sense of self-awareness. From this will come a commitment to take responsibility for the relationship. Two key questions will come out of this self-awareness exercise:

“How am I contributing to this unhealthy outcome?"

"What is my defensive routine?"

More about responsibility in next month's newsletter.

Quick tips for transforming a troublesome conversation

1. Don't take things to seriously, it is only a conversation. "Listen a hundred times, ponder a thousand times, speak only once." Source Unknown

2. Adopt a stance of curiosity about yourself and the other person. Exercise compassion. "Can we look at each other, and recognize each in the other?" - Thich Nhat Hanh.

3. Clarify assumptions and inferences.

4. Ask questions- Inquire, clarify, reflect and validate.

5. If you plant wheat, wheat will grow. Every being has all the seeds in them. Sow and water only those seeds that you wish to grow into plants - Buddhist saying.

To end with the 76th verse of Tao-Te-Ching:

A man is born gentle and weak

at his death he is hard and stiff.

All things, including the grass and trees,

are soft and pliable in life;

hard and stiff in death.

Stiffness is thus a companion of death,

flexibility a companion of life.

An army that cannot yield

will be defeated.

A tree that cannot bend

will crack in the wind.

The hard and stiff will be broken;

the soft and supple will prevail.

Acknowledgement:

Fred Kofman – Meta Management

Roger Schwarz – Writing Left Hand columns

Thich Nhat Hanh – Understanding our mind