This appeared on sunday in the TOI....

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Bring on the motormouths…..!

Motormouths of India, unite! You have nothing to lose but your jobs. Oh God, after tweety pie Tharoor got into a bloody mess, it’s now veteran politico Jairam Ramesh’s turn. His clumsy attempts at re-scripting the old ‘Hindi-Chini Bhai Bhai’ story backfired – and how! He got severely ticked off by a kadak head master ( Manmohan Singh ), and worse, by a class monitor ( Abhishek Manu Singhvi). Ladies and gentlemen, hang on to your seats - The Battle of the Blabbermouths has just begun and may the best gas bag win. Another long , hot summer is upon us, and we could do with some entertainment. Motormouths, Loudmouths or Blabbermouths – we need these chaps to keep us amused while the mercury soars and soars. I did notice one thing two outspoken men (Ramesh and Tharoor ) have in common ( no, no, no – it isn’t what your nasty mind is thinking!). It is something pretty innocuous - and it isn’t a runaway tongue. It isn’t even their rather unfortunate choice of words, nor even their supposed indiscreet nature. True, both suffer from what appears to be a terminal case of a particularly virulent form of the foot-in-mouth disease. But the most obvious and amusing shared trait is their hair fixation! These guys are obsessed. Jairam’s carefully blow dried, gently hair sprayed coiffeur competes with Shashi’s side swept locks and immaculately dyed side- burns. One more interesting feature they also share is the swagger which goes with their very apparent vanity.Yup. In the old days they’d have been described as swash buckling rakes. Now we call such types ‘chikna’. We definitely need guys like them to pump up the sex appeal quotient in parliament. And we most definitely need to loosen up and adopt a more liberal attitude to what politicos can and cannot say in public. Most political statements are so dreadfully stuffy in any case. Irritatingly officious, too. Here are two fellows willing to stick their necks out…. why, they seem almost eager to place their gardans on the chopper block… and we come down heavily on them?
What’s the big deal, Manmohanji? Bol diya toh bol diya. Poor Ramesh – how was he supposed to know that his off -the- cuff, wildly irresponsible comments to some super vigilant journos would be promptly reported in the desi press? Bechara Ramesh – I think he must have been feeling a little overshadowed by our tweety pie. Can’t say he didn’t try to upstage him earlier when he hit the headlines after performing a strip tease in public. I’m referring to Jairam’s dramatic gesture when he flung off a convocation robe and described it as ‘barbaric’. The heat had clearly got to him, as was obvious from the sweat patches on his designer kurta. He raved and ranted about these traditional cloaks and criticized them for reflecting our colonial hang ups. Oh yes, our dapper union minister for environment and forests also pointed out those billowy garments weren’t in the least environment friendly .That well timed act did attract some notice, but came nowhere close to the outrage caused by some precious Tharoorisms.
But his latest gaffes in Beijing have not exactly pleased his bosses. Ramesh is getting it from all sides, with even the Opposition demanding his ouster from the cabinet. This is really a bit much. Of course, Ramesh was speaking out of turn and his comments were horribly gauche, but what’s wrong if one of our more flamboyant ministers decides to be politically incorrect for a change? Aren’t we sick of platitudes and clichés? Here’s a guy telling us where to get off when it comes to China, and we get all het up? Ramesh naively suggested we “ see demons where there are none.” So sweet!We don’t see demons, we actually see fire breathing dragons. But that’s okay. Ramesh wants us to chill out and adopt a kinder, gentler attitude towards our old foes. Maybe he knows something the rest of us don’t, so why don’t we give the guy a break and get off his back? Perhaps he enjoyed some outstanding Chinese chow while he was there… Beijing banquets do overwhelm the unwary, and the Chinese have mastered the art of killing us softly with their food. The palate is often mightier than the sword. Why can’t the High Command understand that and let the poor guy off the hook? Surely there are bigger, worthier, scarier issues to deal with?
Aha – unless of course, there is trouble brewing inside the protected walls of the Congress fortress. The whispering gallery has it that too many loyal party workers have taken to shooting their mouths off and criticizing the holy cows within the party. It is believed to be carved in stone that nobody but nobody is allowed to say a word against Chids ( P. Chidambaram, to you). Pranabda is strictly off limits , too. Manmohanji doesn’t take too kindly to those who mumble and grumble about him. And as for Madam – her name is not taken in vain…. preferably, it is not taken at all if you value your err…. butt. This is just so boring and childish. Come on ,grow up, you guys… we are living in a democracy or aren’t we? To borrow Jairam’s words, stop being so damned ‘paranoid’ and ‘alarmist’.If Digvijay Singh decried Chid’s policies for being ‘anti-people’ or when Subodh Kant Sahay was critical of what he called the home minister’s ‘anti-Maoist’ policies, did the people of India get seriously influenced or affected? Naah.
For all those cribbing and carping or asking for Ramesh’s head on a platter, check out a series of spoofs called ‘Loose Talk’ created in Pakistan. I was sent the link on Youtube by a friend who had become something of an addict of the show. It lampoons just about everybody in power , from Zardari to our own Manmohan Singh. And does so with enormous style and sophistication. It is deliciously wicked and supremly witty as it takes on any and every sacred bovine on both sides of the border. If our neighbours can laugh at themselves and display such a terrific sense of humour, what’s with us? As Adlai E. Stevenson put it so brilliantly, “A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth.” So Jairam and Co… don’t stop! Keep yakking.
Lagey raho, Rameshbhai…. bakbak karte raho. Hum saab saath hai.