It is difficult to describe an overwhelming experience, particularly so when it has a reference to oneself. Tonight as I glance through a deluge of mail towards my post and my condition, I am equally if not more dumbstruck than most of those that commented on yesterdays description.

I must then in all humbleness and gratitude, express my grateful thanks to those who came on in such large numbers and gave me the strength and courage and acknowledgment, on my condition. I had hesitated on my description for long. My hesitation was never governed by the desire to extract shock or surprise or in some cases an overbearing emotion from those that were informed. My desire in informing has got nothing to do with ‘extraction’. I hate myself for even mentioning it thus. My desire to inform was governed by the the value of content as a commitment to this medium and to this extended family. Nothing else. Pain needs to be felt not remembered. I do not do justice to myself by recapturing all that transpired. I would rather that I did not remember at all what I went through. What a waste of time and energy in thinking back. But what a saving, in thinking forward. In thinking about today and perhaps tomorrow. What will I get in running back. Those incidents can never be erased or repaired. Were I to gain from lamenting on the past I would practice such exercise every moment. For, God knows how much I would have cherished a blemish free existence. But life had conditioned itself about me in the manner it did and with cause. I would rather not fight that. I would rather I fight for what is yet to come. For me to think that tomorrow shall be event and incident free, looking at my somewhat rugged past, would be an error of mammoth proportions. We calculate our existence with what we have experienced. We calculate our experience with what we endured. And we calculate our endurance by standards set by ourselves. In each example, it is the ‘we’ or ‘I’ or ‘us’ that predominates. This is laughable. We do not construct our acts and deeds deliberately to go wrong. Yet they do go wrong. If we had the power to control our own existence, then why on earth are we still here, struggling daily with our routines. We should have gained ‘nirvana’ by now. Nirvana does not permit beings to engage in life. In that exalted condition we should be in a different world. But we never are. We remain here to strive and struggle and live and exist. And when we have submitted to all that was desired of us, or all that was expected of us, we leave. We remain here to finish unfinished tasks, to be tested in examination of our capacity and ability. Just as we terminate one hurdle in the classroom of our education through vigilant test and move ahead to the next, so also do we get tested each day of our life as we move closer to the ‘next’. I do not know what that test will be, or whether it will be at all. But if I am functional and alive, I will look upon it as confirmation that there is still a ‘next’ that I need to travel. I may not want to go there. I may be apprehensive of it, or reluctant at its possible outcomes. But I feel it is better to accept that if we are existing then there is reason behind it. And I would rather celebrate this existence than be bludgeoned by the thought, that it shall not be conducive to my desire. I wish that what we desire always come through as fulfilling as we want, but it never does. So why lament.

By drawing your attention to my condition I have witnessed feelings from others that put me very close to a condition of lament. I would hate that to happen. It has taken me a bit to remember what all occurred with me. This is not some bravado that I exude. Its my genuine condition that I really do not remember. It is not that much cliched remark of ‘ i do not want to remember’. I genuinely do not remember. It does not stay in my mind. And I find that this condition gets applied to other aspects of my existence as well. Whether it is good for me or not is not in debate. What is in debate is, what is there for me tomorrow. I want to look forward to it. To worry about it. To challenge it, to experience it, to imbibe it.

And for that I must build myself today. Someone on the blog posted a medical report that confirmed through investigation, that a 10 hour sleep at night regenerates the body. It is past midnight here and I rise for gymming at 6. I am already late by 4 hours !!

Good night … and with love,

Amitabh Bachchan