Okaayyyy ! So sometimes you try to be really smart and end up with a basket full of raw eggs on face ! I was at the shoot for ‘Power’ at the Aarey Milk Colony and even as I was driving in to location which was a night shoot, the rain had come pouring down with thunder and lightening, just like the monsoons had returned. We waited for it to subside and while we waited, I wrote out my blog for the day to save time. It is now past 3 am in the morning and having saved the blog on Word as has been advised by so many of the EF, I have come home removed my make up, washed my face and was settling down to merely pasting it for the day, when I find it missing even in the ‘Edit’ and the Word document and not a sign of it anywhere. So am back to writing all over again and since not writing for the day is a definite ‘no’ …. here it is !! While I waited I thought of putting on KBC, since it was getting close to 9 pm, but hesitated. Self consciousness is one aspect that I have difficulty facing and operating in. Be it a solo walk into a restaurant, an appearance for a public forum, the movie hall, just about anywhere. It percolates then to watching a performance of mine on Tv or screen. The apprehension of not doing something right, of faltering, making mistakes in front of others is so immense that it would I know eventually reduce my age by a few years. Just before getting on to the set for KBC can be an ordeal. What will the audience think, how will they react, will they be supportive … just so many of them all come together. But … the moment they are comfortable with me and I with them, all starts to tick and work fine. Thank the Lord !! Solitude then is a desired condition. Getting in front of the mike or a studio to record a song is another trial. And it takes ages for me to be comfortable in the presence of the musicians and the director. There are a few exceptions though and I would rather be in their company than with those who do not know my temperament … well fears really. Such a difficult task … but coming from a person whose profession revolves around just this, it is remarkable how I am still surviving. I guess at this stage of my life I shall never be able to get rid of it. So may it remain in all its glory and continue to be an irritant. I will need to live with it. What labor must do I incur, To wash away what be severe It is not life it is not death It is a need if thought with depth. Do we not understand the joy Of accomplished tasks without a ploy … When you do work of endlessness We smirk, obliterate confess .. I am but merely simply off, Others thrive on caps they doff … What do we do, what do we plead, Is this what others hope we lead …??? And so it goes from on to on … the new and fresh and forgotten forlorn ! Perhaps the time and place is wrong. Perhaps there is a simplicity involved in, which we do not understand. But then what of those that do understand. Do they comply or do they fake an encounter, much like all the others ..!! A heat pad sends me a warmth that takes care of my painful back. It is a wonder that I still survive despite all the care and treatment I have gone through in some meticulous fashion by the medicare ness of the moment. But not any more. I must rely on destiny and realize that there shall be a parallel to this theory of yours and when that theory completes its research, something worth while shall come about. The study of individuals is remarkable. In our world it is perhaps undergoing tests of various natures and more. The mice or rats that get used by these elements of society, are also a protected lot. Female protectionists shall revolt on the subject. But what does one do in such compressed research ??? One carries on regardless. The power of the female in our society is at different levels. And I wonder if this is true. If not he could not come to meet you because you would trust the enthusiastic than the purist or educationist of the female species. 50 % That is what is the need of the hour. Like it or leave it, this seems convincing .. perception rules in all walks of life so far, but the reality is far better than the real. Test it and you shall find, there is immense truth in it .. Love and truth and an extension of saner elements in our lives and in our society .. Love to all, Amitabh Bachchan