Going through my scene and my lines repeatedly .. sitting and saying them, standing walking around .. while having a meal, dressing up, idling or as of now even when posting the blog ! Its the thing to do. I do it all the time. Even when in Mumbai or on the sets of my film. Obsessive ? No I do not think so. I believe repeating the lines fetches one a degree of comfort as far as memorizing them is concerned. Once they come to you even when engaged in other kinds of activity, then its presence in the system is in a way settled. On set then and with other artists when the time comes, the idea is not to be anxious of knowing the lines but knowing the character. If you can know the character, the lines will come even when not asked. The complete immersion of the thought process within our being is what an actor, I think, needs to be conscious of and work towards. Once that is achieved, and that is a difficult call, then the lines come automatically. Well hopefully so ! The exercise then is not wasted in futile effort. Many though disagree with the process. They feel it robs the moment of its spontaneity. Yes that could be argued and justifiably so. But I just feel that coming unprepared on set could well bring along with it a dash of arrogance. An ego perhaps. An opportunity to perhaps remark with “are you trying to question my ability ?”. I would sink in deep remorse if ever that were to cross my mind. Seriously. It is not, what many will, after reading this equate with deliberate humility, or some kind of creative bravado. No. It is a genuine concern of mine and I believe a concern that I am fully justified in expressing or feeling.

When I speak of the butterflies and their sizes and volume and its perturbing demeanor, they are genuine concerns. After 42 years in the business one would obviously conclude, as any outsider would that this effort her in Gatsby, should ideally be a cake walk. I do not contribute to that at all. And I loathe the moment when this theory or expression is put before me. So in many ways I should ideally not be talking about this at all. For, had I not, the discussions would not have creeped in. Hence it is time to shut the vocals and the stifled ones too.

The Moon the size of a giant rotunda peers at me through my window. And I lament the fact that the ladies at home that today observe a fast for the well being of their husbands on the occasion of ‘Karva Chauth’, are not able to see it. They are in a different time zone and shall have to wait till it swings by the Mumbai skyline, so they could vision it auspiciously through a sieve, say some prayers, make offerings and break their fast ! Tradition and culture and ethos of nations and country’s and civilizations and humanity, prevail through centuries. How interesting it must have been when they were first formed and fructified for generations to come. What must have been the circumstances that provoked such rituals. And how they through the passage of time matured into what has now become a dedicated fact among homes, families and regions. Fascinating !!

The burden of a jammed mobile phone was finally off my shoulders. There were close to 3000 ( sms ) of them and finally having devoted several hours of concentrated time to the hand phone I was able to clear them all. Responded to I would say almost 90%, and those that got left behind, I will have to extend my apologies. The mobile does not allow you to do any activity unless the number of sms’s gets erased. They do not allow you to open them to respond and so the only way is to start deleting them. And that is when some may have gone by unnoticed and un responded to.

For a large portion of the evening my father remained with me in his works and his poems. They are carried along wherever I travel. They become my strength. They introduce me to the vagaries of life and how they must be tamed. Of uncertainties and issues that only poets have the fortitude to observe and write about. They make you ponder, to evaluate, to assess and imagine. They make you come out looking and feeling better. They have solutions to complications. They build, they construct and enliven our existence. What more could we ever desire. There is so much peace in their rendition. Its harmony almost soothing the nerves taut with disproportionate thinking. Filling you up with great breath and the elements that keep you alive and hopeful, as it were.

The impetus of this forbearing is beyond any description. Either you have the capacity and the accumen to accomodate it, or you let it fly past over your unconscious head without displacing a single blade of your lustrous mane. There are many that are gullible to such condition. I do not despise them or carry any blame towards them. To each his own accumen and disposition. And so be it !!

Time to acknowledge time ..

Good night and care for yourselves ..

Amitabh Bachchan