The passion of being by yourself is a trying thought. One labors and wishes it to come, and when it does you wish it not. Strange ! Or maybe just strange for me only. True and justifiable for the moment. I think it provokes your sensibilities, but beyond that nothing more. Which is really not such a big accomplishment.

Silence hurts at times and its hurting now ! ha ha … ironic that it should when all along that is what we want from a busy and undeniably stressful life. Not always of our wanting, but circumstances put us into it.

We wait anxiously for the time when our time shall be without break, when we could pride ourselves in the thought that we have accomplished what we set out to do – get busy, get occupied, get a job ! And when we do and when we overdo, we lament the thought why ? Humans are such a peculiar yet marvelous species.

So I shall read and define what must I do next in film and in further. There are makers that wait for a nod. Strange that they should. It has been a while, a long while now. Surely they must want to seek other. But there is a fire within all along and it must be doused, and so they come with hope and expectation. I shall decide soon, for the Tv stint comes to an end and after that there shall be time for a fairly long period.

Some say be selective, others advise rest and to leave. I advise myself that I need to be occupied. The joy and the thrill of a daily shooting routine is still as infectious and desirable as when we started out. This is good. The day it stops it will melt away the face that reacts to a mirror each morning wondering what contortions it shall endeavor for its oncoming creativity.

Each day at the studio is filled with hope and experiment. Each moment after it is over is filled with material worries – the home, the family friends and acquaintances. Matters of life, of the future of what needs to be done to secure the investments and the financials. Such a boring and unimpressive job this. Never understand a thread of it and yet seeming to look proficient and valued. Such a bluff !!

Would it were to be handled and done for. To not be responsible about it. To leave it to the better judgement of the others and give us the space to be able to do what we enjoy and do the best. But life shall never make it comfortable for us.

I always said of my questions to my Father often on why there was such struggle in life and his assurance that ‘so long as there is life there shall be struggle’.

I chanced upon a book just yesterday written by one of his admirers where he has published all my Father’s letters that he wrote to him. One of them actually answers just what we discuss now about struggle. Such coincidence. He says … ‘ you need to be fortunate that there is struggle in life’

And he stopped there. Never trying to explain or elaborate on it. Genius often does that – leave it for posterity to struggle with it .. !! Such clever minds .. is it not so ..??

My love and more for you …

Amitabh Bachchan