An entire day singing glories of the film ‘Rockstar’ … sending letters and flowers to some concerned people on the film and to receive their equal affection .. listening to the music and allowing it to grow as does all Rehman’s music … and then again to allow its background as I write .. beautiful ! I wish that my words can contain the beauty of the chords, lyrics and voices of the music.

The Sunday with the fans outside the gate and the sudden meeting again with Ef in their midst – Renate and Nandita … rescuing them almost from getting crushed in the melee .. a joy and a pleasure to meet them again ..

But most important of all .. the day spent in splendor with the family, recounting relocating and realizing the great times with them in earlier days … that incident, that particular photograph and the laughter and recollections … they are the best of times !!

The truest chords and notes of music bring such a great feel of emotion and feeling .. a moment difficult to describe. You tend to feel it with some degree of involvement, but then after a while you allow it to take over your life and being .. free from all encumbrances, worries and thoughts .. such a cure, such an exalted feel .. god like !!

And then … you feel so empty and insufficient. The desire to do so much more with so much more intensity that you almost get lost in its purpose. Inspiration if not transferred immediately to creation would mar all future progress ..

I must resist being idle, but simultaneously look for that which is inspiring and not routine and mundane ; done before a million times. Perhaps it is time to make that change, or at least venture into a realm that promises change. Change hurt no one. At best it would fail and drop, but at least it would have been experimented with … and with conviction …

I read many folders that claim they are interesting .. they claim not I .. I must feel the desire, or if not then give some that do, that can exploit the germ in me and give me challenge and competition .. I wish and must explode, to drop all selfness in a heap by the door of exploitation and move to where they give me what they want on their terms, not mine. Its not that I fit into what they give but quite the other. I must give what they can fit me into.

O ! Lord ! bring me that challenge and hope of intent. Give them the sense of what I would be challenged in and may they make judicious decision. Let them develop and let me be given to develop. I must get out of the morass and the depression of that which is the norm. I need to be abnormal, wild and loose. In my thought and purpose. I need to be able to deny, to refuse, to revolt almost in the sensitivities of what is on offer .. to stop the niceties of decorum and form, to stand upright and defy almost at the cost of being disliked .. disliked in a nice way …

I brim over with thought. I brim over with desire. I brim over with capacity and explosion ..

I must and I must soon … or else …??

Amitabh Bachchan