The morning was painful and distressing. The body refused to respond to normal signals, the face burned with the stress of extended sessions of prosthetics. The head whirred as though it needed gallons of oxygen and the eyes, refused to focus even a few feet away.

So, I cancelled my morning routine, the gym, caught up with pending work and readied myself for the IIFA voting, being initiated traditionally by its brand ambassador every year. Spiffy clothing and dark glares took care of all the deficiencies that welcomed me in the morning and a well organised press meet brought a certain cheer to the proceedings. Its been 10 years of IIFA. Started off as another award function but swiftly matured into much more than that - a true bridge for cultures and nations that acknowledged our cinema.

I am grateful to those who did acknowledge the works of charity and grateful too to those that warned me of the media getting revengeful on this issue and bringing about something controversial. I understand this and also understand what motivates such attitude. But I also feel that even though there is merit in what many advise me about, there is a sense within me of wanting to face consequences within the prescribed limits of decency and protocol.

Yes, it would be safe for others to assume that there are issues between the media and me. It is not such a difficult task to assess why it happens and why it does not. The problem lies perhaps in me. Perhaps I have difficulty in understanding what to others seems perfectly legitimate cause. My philosophy and understanding of the subject maybe far off the mark. Perhaps my reading of situations and people connected with this noble profession is laced with great cynical depth. Maybe the constant badgering and attack has softened my arteries. Arteries that supply the much needed blood for existence. Now laden with injury they may have gone limp with exhaustion and defeat. But, and this is most valuable, they still inhabit my body. How does one reject or should I say eject necessary and invaluable sections of our being.

Many accuse me of bad media management. I am astounded at this remark. ‘Media management’ ? But media is our conscience. They are our morals and our rights. They are the ultimate destination of information and thus the most powerful makers of our collective minds. Analysis, opinion and debate provoke in us through them the ultimate need for a view that does not necessarily look at us from the front. They see us from the back from the side and from above. They cover every nook and corner.

How is it ever possible for it to be managed. And managed for what. For glowing tributes. For kind and positive mentions. For elaborate editorials that only sing the song of praise.

Many an experienced hand expresses that this is indeed possible. That there are ways and means of gaining a benevolent supremacy in some. But I am aghast at the kind of machinations that I discover. This is a Hydra headed monster. It has the capacity to consume us but indeed to devour itself in turn.

I would not wish this to be a reality, even if it challenged many processes. Somewhere the belief that you live with is never wished to be damaged. In school, the image of your senior filled you with adulation esteem and respect. Decades later, when you find said individual, devoid of all those wonderful impressions you had of him, it distresses you.

They looked big and powerful then. Suddenly after an elapsed time, when you find them reduced in stature, due to circumstances of time and fate, you do not wish to accept that. For you they were the heroes and shall remain so.

Belief is vital. It can make you conquer the highest or force you to succumb to the lowest.

I do not wish that my belief be broken or damaged or challenged. And were it to be, I would wish that I come out victorious over them. I shall not damage or challenge or break any, so long as I am in possession of my belief. This protection is mine and will remain mine forever.

Sometimes my belief on the media insists that I challenge. I am not sadist in this my temperament. Its just that it irks me when I do not. When I allow it to pass. Pass without blemish when I know there is.

May we all live in peace and harmony .. and I believe this is possible

With my love and affection to my EF…

Amitabh Bachchan