By noon though a few young men brave the sound barrier and attempt to break into song and music outside the gates, but are informed by security that there are to be no celebrations this year. They stop and walk away and we are back to the silence. In a short while I move across to Jalsa. The roads are devoid of much action. Traffic is slow and reduced. Enthusiasm on the streets is visible but not one of furious joy and uninhibited abandon, as is the wont on such occasions. And I wonder …

At home some of Abhishek’s friends come over. Some close relatives. The customary dry vermillion is applied on the forehead. For the elders, the young touch feet and apply the color there in respect. Blessings are given, men greet each other by embracing each other and shifting the embrace from one shoulder to the other, thrice. Sweets are shared, some laughter and talk abounds, a special lunch is generously and with care laid by Jaya and soon it all ends up with all sitting on the floor, chatting laughing exchanging notes and more ‘gujiya’s’.

It has been a quiet ‘Holi’, for us at least, with a closing promise of a bigger celebration the coming year, Inshallah !!

The TV channels and the FM radio are full of ‘Rang Barse’ and ‘Holi khelen .. ‘ and I think to myself that 70 - 80 years ago when these folk songs were first constructed by my Father, had he ever realized that they would have a presence now in our lives and in mediums of our communication !!

And … what of 80 years ahead, when we are dead and gone and live in the thoughts of our great grandchildren, what would they reminisce of days gone by. Or would they reminisce at all ??

I am certain my Father and my Father’s Father would have had similar thoughts. And that is the tragedy. They are never going to be around to know what did we think of them and how. One of the great lamentations of existence.

Time changes life, moods, habits, generations. It moves tastes and cultures, song and temperament, likes and dislikes. And each segment of each generation looks back with a deep sigh and a dreamy look in the eye of days gone by.

Yash Chopra calls in the morning to wish a happy Holi, but more to tell me that he had been seeing ‘Silsila’ on Sony TV the previous night -

“Papaji ! I think we made a beautiful film. Those were wonderful days. The stories, the writing, the lyricism in our songs, the freshness of youth in our appearances… those days will never return .. will they ?? What are the kind of films being made today ! Do they possess the poetry of those times ? We will never get those days back again !! Sad !!”

I nod in agreement and lament the cause. I read responses from members of my EF. I catch some similar sentiments in a few of them. I read the desires of some, in bringing back the magic of those days. They tell me chose my scripts carefully. To select the best, to hire the best and make the best. And I allow their sentiment to affect me and I will and must do what they ask, but where and how and when. Not having ever in my career worked in such conditions or made effort in the pursuit of such elementary demands, I wonder how I shall be able to do it now. And when I think back on those days of glory, I say to myself. Did I ever indulge in what they ask of me today ?And the answer is an emphatic ‘no’. I did nothing, my directors did, my writers did, my makers did, but I did nothing. I did nothing because I knew nothing. I followed. Followed diligently what my makers asked and compelled me to follow. That is all I did. It was my good fortune that took me thus far. And it was the acumen and understanding of the makers that remained with me, that took me to those destinations. Now, if there are shortcomings, then it is the fault of my selection or the fault of my own indiscretion, my own incapability. And I am like this because I never had opportunity to test my own capability. My capability, if at all there was any, was being tested and guided by others. Others who knew me better than I did myself. They reveled in the thought of putting me in different and challenging roles, creating situations and screen plays that were to become the defining moments of the cinema of those times. When they left, when they separated, when they stopped, I stopped along with them. I fear if there has to be a revival, it must come from those that have the capacity and the intellect to find something for me and think for me, not around me. Characters and stories that come my way now, must come with the intent of a strong content around me and not the other way round. And I cannot find them now. It will have to be found by others. It has always been that way and shall in the days to come. And it is days, not years. Time is short now for me.

I signed my last film more than a year ago and have not accepted anything fresh since. Primarily of course because I have not been offered much. But whatever has been offered I have taken as a result of taking something rather than not having anything. I have not shot for a film for almost a year. The last time I did that, I went into disaster mode. It must not happen again. I must start and start now.

The World Cup Hockey and the victory over our arch rivals Pakistan in the opener, with a score in our favor of 4 -1 was such an adrenalin rush in the system. After long there was a desire to watch a hockey match rather than cricket. The players from our team showed exemplary courage and skill and confidence. I had met some of them at the office when they were going through a rough patch about their wages. A charity program was being designed for their benefit and they had come to put the proposal forward. I found them young and enthusiastic and humble and agreed to join in in their support. It will happen I believe soon. But for the moment it was delicious to see these team players in their elements and my best wishes went out to them.

It was in this very Stadium in 1982, when I was recuperating from my accident on ‘Coolie’ in Delhi, that I had been present there for the Asian Games final and seen in shock and horror how Pakistan had butchered us with a 7 - 1 defeat. A deflated and completely destroyed audience of packed supporters, had walked out heavy footed with the greatest embarrassment ever. Today watching the men in light blue square things up with the men in green, was delightful. Reversing an adverse situation is always a big high. We did that yesterday evening successfully. Well done guys !! Wishing you similar success through out the Tournament !!

There was another occasion when I had been a spectator for the game and for watching our national team play - the 1986 LA Olympics. We had lost then too. Maybe not going to the venue is the key to our victories then !! Ha Ha … Its almost the same with cricket too. Every time I watch a game on the Tv, we lose. So … better to catch the highlights later … don’t you think ??

Fine then … time to watch the highlights of the Hockey now … and hope it will bring some rest after ..

Love to you and good night …

Amitabh Bachchan