My job as an anchor or artist or conductor … call it what you may, on the television, is primarily to conduct the proceedings of the show, as per the rules and regulations that the format and the contractual obligations that get spelt when we sign in on the dotted line. Why it ever is called the dotted line remains a mystery for me, but that apart, to get back to the original thought, yes, why is it, that even though we are committed to merely run the show as per the diktats of the producer, our involvement goes beyond that and we begin to find it difficult to pull away from it.

It happens often when the plight of a contestant humbles and make you think how blessed we are to be where we are, when indeed the rest of the world is in such pain. Today on the sets of KBC it has been such an occasion. The plight of the contestant, their hopes and ambitions, their need to be able to earn something, to perhaps bring relief to their loved ones, their homes and the future of their children, is such a moving sight that, if it were not contracted I would have never have had the courage to face some of the stories and obstacles, these people from humble backgrounds go through.

To see and feel the joy and excitement of their success, to immerse into the depths of despair with them as they fail, is perhaps far too great a situation than most can imagine. Yet there it is - stark, brutal and without compromise.

It seems a travesty to announce the errors when they occur and to watch the changing expressions of those that get afflicted by them. It seems the greatest achievement when they stumble, steady themselves and pick up the correctness of the moment to survive and win. These are extreme expressions and feelings. One would imagine that once in awhile it would be a normal act to be a part of. But … when it happens often within the short span of say an hour, then it leaves us shaken and full of remorse. It almost feels like taking that completely incorrect procedure in hand and giving some indication or help to the person across the seat, in order that they could save themselves from imminent disaster.

But we cannot do this, and so the despair and discomfort is greater. All one can do in such situations is to spill out with great difficulty words of comfort and reassurance, so that their moment of loss is reduced.

It has been a day of great despair today and it will be difficult for me to say any further because there is still some while before the episode will be aired. But the pangs of pain for those that were unsuccessful will and shall remain.

Sad, but true !

I am truly sorry to have mentioned about my condition, physically, last post. I am much better and functional and mobile and have only a few hours back returned from recording another schedule, which went off without any problematic diversions. I do however register with great pride that the FmXt came out in large numbers to inquire after me and to give me sane advice. I shall follow them diligently, this I promise.

I also feel handicapped in the reading department. My sense of reading and acquiring greater knowledge through it has always been strong and malleable, but never strong enough to have been through some of the books that ought to have been read. Today when I look at myself there is so much that is wanted from me. And I can only answer this question with finality by admitting certain truths and facts of life. And those truths and facts of life are no where near in sentiment to me. This has to change and certain givens need to be put in correct perspective.

It would be an exercise in futility if I were to begin by enumerating where and what is known by me in straight terms of knowledge. Experience alone is not all that counts. There are other factors too. Once they are put in correct perpective, knowledge flows out unhesitatingly. That is what I feel I must entertain now as opposed to given an impression that all is known by me, and that I need no reminders or adjustments !!

Tomorrow I shoot for Filmfare, for their anniversary issue. A look of ‘Dr Who done It’ is what has been proposed for me. I think I may be beyond that age now, but what the hell, shall genuinely and most convincingly portray it to the best of my ability !

My best ability right now is certainly one of switching off the lights and getting into retrospective demeanor instantly. And I do feel that , keeping in mind the sentiments expressed, one must make sure that it is followed till the end …

Amitabh Bachchan