We often talk of the power of the youth, the strength and importance of their existence in the making of a nation. We speak thus at times, just to be considered correct, because it is politically correct to say so. But to believe in it, to witness it, be involved in it is an education by itself.

As I see contestant upon contestant being judged by a panel of professionals, I feel myself transported into the very moment in the lives of these young. They all come from humble to very humble backgrounds. They come with belief and desire. They carry with them the blessings of their elders. They come with the hope of living up to the expectations with which their family sends them. Almost all of them give the reason for being there to wanting to do something for the family, to prove to them their worth. To have some vehicle by which they could express ambition, future and the eventual victory. Each face among the millions that appear, has but only one determined expression - to be seen, to be heard, to be accepted, to win. Each face among the millions that appear, carries the despair and fear of failure. Not all will succeed they know, yet the wish that they succeed despite, plays prominently.

One of the most painful ingredients of human life is the moment of judgment. When you are judged for your worth, when you are judged for your talent, when you are judged for your value.

Many of us have the ability to judge ourselves the best. Most would agree that that is the most honest moment in the life of an individual. Your own rating of your ability, your strengths, your weaknesses are never flawed. It is rare when at times you surprise yourself in your own judgment. It is indeed rare, when others agree and match their assessment with yours and indeed so destroying when they do not.

This most complex gamut of emotions when seen collectively leaves you in a state. I tend to rejoice in the acceptance of the judges with an entrant and saddened equally with his or her rejection. We tend to get involved with the efforts and emotions of those that prepare to excel, with the emotions of the selectors.

Facing rejection is the most cruel biding. But facing the face of rejection is unbearable. At least for me. I would be most inefficient in rejecting. Every time I was to announce to the world and to the person seated in front of me, that his or her answer on KBC was in error, I would myself die a hundred deaths. That moment for me as host on the show was most disconcerting. I was appointed judge for a Miss World Contest once, that was held in South Africa, and I swore after that, that I would never want to be in a chair where I would have to pass judgment on another fellow human, in similar circumstances. What and how do you address the rest of the contestants, all turned up in their best, that they are lesser than the other. How can one human be less than another ? Those moments have been the most painful. I would rather not be there. Taking sides is an anathema for me - an issue that I as an individual, and now as a celebrity, find difficult to cope with. I would rather submit and withdraw than feel the hurt that the other has been subjected to.

Many denounce me for this my temperament. Those that have access to a personal comment on me will invariably propound - ” Stop trying to be such a noble, stop trying to be Mahatma Gandhi !”

No !! It is not about nobility or Gandhism, its about the quality of my nature, my construct. I do not question its righteousness or its error, I merely express my within. This is how it is and this is how it shall remain.

So yes I watch Indian Idol with great interest and expectation, but I also invite with it on myself, the figure of rejection on others. Everyone will not win in this contest, or in life. There will be losers too. But rather than submit to fate and resign, I would want to accept that ’so long as there is life, there is struggle’, and with that continue to keep banging against an unbreakable wall, not with any expectation that it shall give way, but with the belief that I would never have known that it would not, if I had not tried.

Ahh !!! Too philosophical for past midnight.

Tabu, the wonderful Tabu, dropped by in the evening. She had not met me for long and had just seen ‘Paa’ on DVD. So we talked and talked and talked on everything under the proverbial film related sun. Films and directors, scripts and performances, present times and past times, actors and actresses, media and media. Endlessly … a delight !!

I thought I would at least begin my medical marathon today, but it seems that I shall have to renegotiate for another day. Indian Idol took over most of my time and thought tonight .. so we wait.

Spent sometime on the piano after long, fiddling with the keys and frustrating over the fact that I never trained to learn it .. perhaps someday I shall. Someday. Someday learn a few more languages, of my own land first and then of the international. Someday discover my country and its wealth of history culture and ethics. Someday read all that I never did read. Someday not follow routine and schedule. Someday be free from commitment to others for others. Someday be with myself, alone, away in thought and isolation … and just live …

Life without your affection and love would not be living …

Amitabh Bachchan